If you manage a relationship with the inspiration to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect, it will florish.

We are continuing on with exploring  how male and females are wired differently in relation to how they react in their significant relationships. The interesting information is from a book called “Why women talk and men walk.”

The differences are present at birth with baby girls, from day one being more sensitive to isolation and lack of contact. This could have evolved as an important survival skill so that females kept in contact with their offspring and also with others in the group who could protect her. A woman could have fallen prey if left alone, so over the millennia, females developed an internal GPS that keeps them aware of closeness and distance in  all of their relationships.

When a woman feels close, she can relax, when she feels distant, she feels anxious. This heightened sensitivity to isolation makes a female react strongly to another person’s anger, withdrawal, silence, or other sign of unavailability. To be out of contact can be frightening.

Men have a hard time understanding a woman’s fear and the pain associated with it. One reason is that a woman’s fear provokes shame in a man: “You shouldn’t be afraid with me as your protector!” This is why he gets angry when she gets anxious or upset. But men also just don’t know what a woman’s fear feels like.

It is not our innate differences in fear and shame that drive us apart: it is how we manage the differences. If you manage them with criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, or blame, your relationship will fail: it’s as simple as that. If you manage them with the inspiration to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect, your relationship will flourish. But it takes some conscious attention to overcome the force of habits that began forming very early in your life.

 

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