To risk, to find love
Do you believe you are a risk taker?
Below is a beautiful poem I read again this week. I keep a copy of it and look at it often. It always reminds me listen to myself. To connect with the part of me that is trying very hard to get out, but fear of embarrassment, failure or rejection is holding back. To listen to my inner voice that is telling me to be, or do something more.
All of us have a part that is begging to get out. We have a message to share, a unique skill or talent that isn’t being shared with the world. They are not being expressed because we have chosen a less risky pursuit and so they are lying dormant.
Letting this part of you shine through will guide you towards good risk.
To risk, to find love
Is it time to risk, to find love? Take some good risk in the area of your social or dating life. Contact us now to connect with other singles for fun, relaxed dinners and lasting genuine relationships. “To Risk”
by William Arthur Ward To laugh is to risk appearing a fool, To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach out to another is to risk involvement, To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self. To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss. To love is to risk not being loved in return, To live is to risk dying, To hope is to risk despair, To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live. Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free. The pessimist complains about the wind; The optimist expects it to change; And the realist adjusts the sails.
To give yourself the best chance of meeting someone suitable, it’s important to meet lots of people. If you don’t put in the ground work to ensure that you meet plenty of single people, you may desperately grab onto the first person who shows interest in you. This has a high probability that you will end up with someone who isn’t right of you…(could be why the divorce rate is so high)
Inexperience can be dangerous
If you haven’t met and spent time with with a number of singles who fall into your general age group, demographic etc, you don’t have the breadth experience to evaluate them objectively.
Know your own worth and value. It’s not about finding a “someone”. It’s important that they are compatible. Each of us is an individual with our own interests, values, goals and personalities. The likelihood of the first person you meet who is interested in you, being someone who is highly compatible is pretty slim.
Would you like to meet someone who looks after themselves physically and keeps fit? Would you like to meet someone who values education and knowledge? Is financial security important to you? Do you believe that social skills, good friends, close family are important? Then the best thing to do is to make sure that you have those qualities yourself. Like attracts like. They are not going to be interested in you if you don’t have your act together.
Our A Table for Six dinners are the perfect way to be introduced to a number of people who are more likely to have your desired qualities.
A lot of the focus on dating is steering us away from true intimacy. There is a lot of importance placed on superficial things like looks, playing games and gimmicks to attract the best looking people.
This advice leads us to feeling insecure ourselves and encourages us to be unkind towards others and also ourselves.
But there has always been a wiser and more effective path to finding love. And it doesn’t involve supermodel looks or playing games.
How do you react to “kind”?
There is a lot of focus put on the belief that immediate physical attraction is the be all and end all of finding enduring love. An extensive study conducted in 1985 by evolutionary psychologist David Buss explored the most important traits people rate in finding a mate. His finding was clear.The quality people valued most in a potential mate was not physical attractiveness. Neither was it their wealth, youthful appearance, strength or self-confidence. People valued kindness and understanding the most.
Everywhere we are bombarded by advertisements and articles on building a better body, dressing better, or a new secret way to attract a mate. I’m guessing that you haven’t read any articles lately that give importance to kindness in dating?
There is no denying that physical attraction is tremendously important in our choice of a mate. Yet, have you ever met a man or woman who looks great, and when they open their mouth to criticise their friends, your opinion of them changes dramatically?
Someone who is physically attractive, well dressed and well groomed becomes very unattractive when they treat a waiter poorly or speak badly about someone when they leave the table.
Physical attraction has been proven to be much more complex and open to interpretation than we’ve been led to believe. Instant attraction is overemphasised in finding healthy, long lasting love. And, very attractive people struggle just as much to find true happiness in their relationships.
How can we use this information to have a better outcome in dating ourselves? There are two skills that are essential that we can use to form our guidelines for wiser dating. Firstly, we need to ensure we are operating from a foundation of kindness and understanding ourselves. The second is to be discriminating and only choose people who live by these same values. This will change your experience of dating and finding long lasting love.
Next time you are dating, try practising a little more kindness and understanding. I’m sure you will change the quality of your dates.
Require the same treatment from the people you date. Be discriminating about who you date. Choose those who have a kind and understanding nature. It will make your life happier.
Our friends and family are telling us to “move on”. “It’s time to get back out there”, they say. Leave the past and your dating mistakes behind.
I would like to suggest that it isn’t the ex who treated you badly you need to forgive. It isn’t the former partner who cheated on you or took advantage of you that you need to put behind you.
More often we need to love and forgive our former selves. You need to love the you that you have outgrown. You may have disowned the parts of yourself that were not as evolved as you are now. The parts that allowed others to treat you in a less than respectful, loving way.
Until we recognise those less evolved, still learning parts of ourselves, we can not take full power and responsibility for our current and future selves.
Forgive yourself, you’re smarter now
Until we see our former selves with compassion and forgive ourselves, it can be difficult to move on to healthier, more grown up relationships.
Think of your former self as you would a younger brother or sister. They were just doing the best they could with what they knew at the time. Love and forgive them and appreciate that you are now wiser and have much more self respect.
Then you can “move on” with confidence knowing you will attract a generous, kind love who brings unconditional acceptance.
Have you said those words? If so, when you did, I’m sure you said them with the very best of intentions.
When considering if you are interested in dating, getting to know and perhaps marrying a partner, do you really think about what those words mean?
“In Sickness And In Health”
Some of the more common considerations made are if they could bring offspring into the reunion. Or, what is their extended family like.? Perhaps their financial situation and their temperament.
Yet, few people really consider something that is a vital question – can I suffer with this person?
Suffering is an inevitable part of life. No one escapes it in the long run. As we get older we come to know that suffering is not a rare occurrence. It is a common aspect of life.
Sorrow comes in many forms, yet it is guaranteed to come. Something that is important to consider is that not everyone suffers well.
Some people are unable to face the realities of life that are difficult. Some are easily overcome by life’s difficulties and are unable to cope at all.
Those who are able to put these difficulties into perspective, know they can count on themselves to deal with it, and simply put one foot in front of the other are an inspiration.
Who do you want beside you when the doctor says “I’m sorry there is nothing we can do.”
On whose shoulder do you want to lean when you tragically lose a family member?
With whom do you want to lay beside when you don’t know whether your child will ever come home?
When the world seems a crazy place, in whose eyes do you want to look?
Find someone who suffers well. You may be more attracted to a beautiful smile than someone who shows quiet determination. You may think it is more important to have interests in common than to have a quiet internal strength.
When challenges appear, you will appreciate someone by your side who believes in you, someone who encourages you and continues to have hope no matter what is put in front of you.
Having someone beside you who knows that suffering will come and go will make a huge difference. The best partner to have will confront sorrows with you. They will be able to laugh and cry with you. And, most importantly, they will offer support and hope in all of life’s challenges.
“The best possible thing you can get out of a relationship is that you’re with someone who encourages you to be the best version of yourself every day.” ~Nishan Panwar
Would you like to know what women are really checking out about the men at our A Table for Six singles dinners?
Some of the things that the women are taking note of when they meet you at dinner may surprise you. Or maybe you already know.
How you interact with everyone at the table including the other men.
It is an opportunity for them to gauge how you act in social situations. Are you considerate and inclusive in your conversations with everyone at the table?
How you interact with the restaurant staff.
Do you joke around in a “brighten their day and make their job easier way”? Do you treat them with respect and courtesy?
How you deal with settling the bill at the end of the evening.
Are you generous by including a small tip? Are you organised by bringing along cash to put in your share?
Your general attitude to life in your conversations.
Are you upbeat and mostly positive in your conversations? Do you speak negatively about ex-partners or women in general?
Are your fingernails clean? Are your clothes clean, appropriate and fairly up to date in fashion. Do you put in some effort to keep some sense of fitness and health?
I’m sure these are the things that you are taking note of when you meet women at dinner as well. It works both ways. Either way, we appreciate that you have dressed up nicely and come to dinner to meet our lovely female members.
The basic fundamentals of dating and courting a woman have not really changed over time. Your goal should be to set yourself apart from other men she has met and dated by showing a woman that you are genuinely interested in her, and that you will continue to put in an effort to do so – not only on the first few weeks of dating, but for the long term (potentially forever).
Set yourself apart as a gentleman
Does this sound like too much work and effort to you? Think about this: The right woman will love and care for you and will always exceed or match your efforts. Both of you making an effort together makes the dream work. It is far more rewarding and you will have much more fulfillment by putting an effort into one relationship with a special woman you truly love, than it is to put short term effort into always meeting a new woman a few months later because you didn’t put in the effort and attention your special woman deserved.
As a gentleman dating in the modern era, you can easily set yourself apart by how you carry yourself, your presentation, and very importantly, how you treat others. To make a good impression, hold higher standards for yourself than most of the male population. Being a male is a matter of birth, being a man is a matter of age, but being a gentleman is a matter of choice.
But let’s cut to the chase, what can you do, realistically, in today’s dating world to attract a mature woman who is tired of playing games?
If you want people to have a high opinion of you the key is not to tell them how brilliant you are.
Bragging to a woman on a first date about a recent promotion, or your brand new car, and how many properties you own, may seem like harmless ways to share good news.
However, self-promotion often backfires. Men often get the trade-off between self-promotion and modesty wrong. A man will mention his money as a means of winning a woman over. Unfortunately, sometimes this works. But most of the time, a woman requires so much more from a man than an impressive bank statement, and the kind of man who talks about his money at length, probably doesn’t have much else.
In modern times, women make their own money and have their own possessions. They are not always impressed by yours. Sure, she will want to know you have some ambitions and want to match her efforts in life, but bragging about who you’ve met or what you drive or where you live, will send her running in the opposite direction.
Relationship breakups are never easy. The end of a relationship with someone you really care about can cause more pain than most events in your life.
Even if you were the one to instigate the breakup, you will most likely feel a whole range of emotions during the coming weeks and months.
Maybe you can look back now and clearly see the signs that trouble was coming. Or maybe, you still can’t work out how this happened.
Men don’t tend to acknowledge their emotions and feelings and are even less likely to discuss them. So there’s a lot less written about about their side of the situation.
But they certainly feel the range of emotions from disbelief, anger, sadness, loss, depression but sometimes relief.
Studies show that men might even be affected more by breakups than women.
There are a lot of different variations of breakups. And every relationship is unique. Here are some coping strategies to help single men through those bleak, dark days after a breakup.
Relationship break-up? Best way to move forward
Feel the emotions and move through the pain
From childhood, men are discouraged from showing their emotions. “Be a man” and “big boys don’t cry” are phrases meant to hold those feelings in and don’t dare show them. During a relationship breakup, a man may have such strong emotions it overwhelms the instinct to suppress them. Instead of trying to hold them in, just allow them to wash over you. Feel them and know that you are going to feel bad for some time. It is better to really feel those emotions and work through them. To push them down will mean that they will manifest in a different (worse) way.
It may be tempting to cover up your feelings in temporary distractions such as drinking, drugs or working too much. This may help to distract you from the pain temporarily, but it may prolong the healing process that is necessary to move forward.
Don’t go all out to try to get her back
If your partner did the breaking up, you may feel tempted to go all out to win her back with flowers, poems and gifts. Unfortunately this may just come across as desperate. They could just need some space and showering them with over the top gestures will just make them feel pressured. If they are truly the one for you, no such huge gestures will be needed. You can’t force someone to want to spend their life with you or love you.
Quality sleep helps in moving forward
Sleep can be affected. Your mind is going crazy and can be out of control going over what went wrong. Those conversation you had or wished you had. And what you wish you had done differently. iTunes have a lot of recordings that are effective in helping to replace that mind chatter with peaceful sounds to help you drift off and to get some quality sleep.
Do something for yourself
The temptation to wallow in self pity or sadness can be strong. You are going to have to really take strong positive steps to use this time to your own long term advantage. It’s a good time to take up a new interest. Perhaps something you always wanted to do but couldn’t while you were in the relationship. Doing something creative, like playing a musical Instrument can be therapeutic. Even if you are not normally the creative type. If you would prefer to be more active, it is a good time to be more focussed on fitness. Being active has proven positive effects on mental and emotional well being.
Enjoy being single
There is a positive side to being single. There will come a time when you move from being miserable to realising some of the sacrifices you made in the relationship to keep the harmony. Make the decision to do something you wouldn’t have done when you were in the relationship. Go out with your mates to an all you can eat bar b que meat meal, go and watch some of the fight championships or stay in and watch Batman films. It’s about enjoying your new single status. It’s making the most of an otherwise painful situation.You may even feel empowered when you realise that you now have the freedom to do the things that make you happy.
Buy a gift for yourself
Spoil yourself by purchasing something that makes you happy. No need to empty your savings account, but sometimes when you are feeling low a hit of retail therapy can give you a boost. Maybe you have put off upgrading your golf clubs, or buying that motorbike you’ve dreamed of owning. Recognise and acknowledge that you can make you own choices to do what makes you happy.
Taking a holiday away after a relationship breakup is truly expressing your new freedom. It will be different for each man, but the beauty is that you alone can choose. You don’t need to take anyone else’s wishes into consideration. Take a road trip with no bookings or definite plans. Take a hiking holiday in the wilderness to reconnect with nature. Take some time to find the real you who could be a little wiser now.
Take a step back to look at the failed relationship objectively. Try not to blame anyone. I’m sure you can recognise there were things you could have done differently too. We are all just doing the best we can with what we know at the time. One day you may look back and recognise that the things you have learned from this failed relationship have enabled you to learn and grow and to enjoy a new amazing relationship. When you know more, you can do better.
The secret is to ask the right questions. They will feel special and know you are interested.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re meeting people to make new friends, or date an amazing woman…
They can tell if you are genuinely interested in them.
Humans are reciprocal beings. When you give interest, you get interest.
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” – Dale Carnegie
Women want to know that you find them (specifically) interesting. They want to know that there’s SOMETHING other than just being an attractive woman that attracted you.
Why isn’t she interested?
Because everyone wants to feel special. When you make them feel that way, they’ll want to do the same for you.
Your mindset – Reset your measure of success from obtaining an outcome to simply being curious about people.
Have a curiosity date (or two).
When you are meeting new people, your only goal is to answer this question about them:
“Who are they?”
Stay mindful of your goal. Plan ahead what you would like to know about people you meet. Make sure they are things you actually care about. If it doesn’t really interest you, you won’t be engaged and they will be able to tell you are not being genuinely interested.
You’re trying to get a better understanding of their personality, interests, and overall character. Have a few questions brainstormed in advance that you could ask.
What are their favorite books, movies, TV shows, comedians, or musicians?
What’s the best place they’ve traveled to? Or, where are they most excited to visit?
Would they rather live in the country or the city?
What do they love or hate about their current job? What’s their dream job instead?
What’s their favorite way to exercise?
What did they want to be when they were a kid?
What scares them?
What’s the biggest change they made in the last year?
Are they close with their family?
What’s something most people don’t know about them?
If they were to die tomorrow, how would they spend their last day?
Some additional tips to help with your curiosity night:
If you can’t remember what to ask, remember the four topics that are always guaranteed to get people to open up.
Ask them about their DREAMS, RECREATION, OCCUPATION and FAMILY.
It’s best to start out with lighter questions and progress to more personal questions as time progresses. They will feel uneasy if the first question you ask is too personal.
Instead of asking “Do you like to read?” Ask an open ended question that will require them to open up about themselves. “What is your favourite type of book?”
You want to learn about their emotions and motivations. So, don’t just ask cold, bare facts. Another example, don’t just ask do they have a family. Ask what is the best thing about their family.
Don’t just ask what they do for a living, ask what drives them to go every morning, what is their biggest challenge, and where they would like to go from there.
When they say something that impresses you, give them a real compliment.
Remember their name. People love to hear their own name and feel special when you remember it.
Your old mindset of “How can I be good enough for this person? has now changed to “Is this someone I want in my life based on what I’m learning about them?” and this cultivates a mindset of abundance.
It forces you to make an honest evaluation of people and takes them off that pedestal. You will no longer feel desperate to fit their mold and you will have the courage to walk away from those who aren’t a good fit for you.
You will grow in confidence. In turn, that confidence attracts not only more people, but the right people.
Now that you have people interested in you. Don’t forget to treat them the same way you treat those closest to you.
You are not imagining it. Women don’t always tell you exactly what they want.
But that doesn’t mean you have to stay in the dark.
There’s a logical way to shed some light on what women want when it comes to approaching, flirting, and getting a woman’s number.
She won’t tell you this
With a little help, you will know how to essentially read a woman’s mind in these crucial areas so you can know what she wants, without her actually saying it to you.
One of the things you should never expect a woman to tell you is when to approach her. She might tell you. But if you expect it, you could be missing out on a a potentially great connection.
You can never expect a woman to say, “I’d like you to approach me now.”
Even if she really wants you to approach her, she is not likely to come over and let you know.
She doesn’t want to be approached by every man. Only the ones she feels comfortable around, if not attracted to. As long as you are relaxed, that’s important. Even if she isn’t attracted to you, or has a boyfriend, she’ll still feel flattered.
What is the best way to approach her and make sure it goes well?
The most important thing is you have the attitude of, “I’m just going to say “Hi”. With no huge expectations. Whatever happens is great.
If she responds negatively, there are 3 possible reasons.
1. She’s not as nice as she looks.
2. She’s having a bad night.
3. I came off wrong because I’m still learning how to approach well.
That’s it! No other reasons. It’s definitely not “Oh, i guess I’m just very unattractive!”
None of those reasons is personal to you. They are either about her, or your skill level. And that is able to be improved.
You may have some room for improvement in the way you behave, the way you present yourself, but some of the reasons don’t have anything to do with you in particular. It is very important for your success that you don’t take rejections that have nothing to do with you personally.
Every second you spend worrying about them is a second you could invest in approaching another woman who wants to get to know you.