Our friends and family are telling us to “move on”. “It’s time to get back out there”, they say. Leave the past and your dating mistakes behind.
I would like to suggest that it isn’t the ex who treated you badly you need to forgive. It isn’t the former partner who cheated on you or took advantage of you that you need to put behind you.
More often we need to love and forgive our former selves. You need to love the you that you have outgrown. You may have disowned the parts of yourself that were not as evolved as you are now. The parts that allowed others to treat you in a less than respectful, loving way.
Until we recognise those less evolved, still learning parts of ourselves, we can not take full power and responsibility for our current and future selves.
Forgive yourself, you’re smarter now
Until we see our former selves with compassion and forgive ourselves, it can be difficult to move on to healthier, more grown up relationships.
Think of your former self as you would a younger brother or sister. They were just doing the best they could with what they knew at the time. Love and forgive them and appreciate that you are now wiser and have much more self respect.
Then you can “move on” with confidence knowing you will attract a generous, kind love who brings unconditional acceptance.
I’m sure you have heard the dating advice about the “Fear of Failure”. Should you ask the woman for her number?
This traditional Chinese proverb offers some wisdom. “He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask is a fool for ever.”
Maybe you’ve heard this quote by Wayne Gretzky, former National Hockey League superstar. “One hundred percent of the shots you don’t take don’t go in.”
One guy decides to use this wisdom and asks and fails…over and again.
Guy number 2 decides not to ask for any woman’s number. Even though he meets women he finds attractive and have shown interest in him.
Why some men almost always get the woman’s number
The moral of the story? You can’t win if you don’t try…true enough!
Or “Don’t let the fear of failure hold you back”.
Guy number one didn’t lose anything by asking. But he probably felt a bit deflated. He might have decided there was something wrong with the women he was meeting. However, if he continues to keep asking, he is certain to eventually get a number and a date.
Let me ask you a question!
Would you tackle a crocodile the same way more than once if it meant you came off worse?
Or borrow money from the mafia to pay your debts more than once?
There would be serious consequences!
People who try to do this, don’t live very much longer.
So, fear of failure is a very healthy thing!
But, there is another guy in this story… Guy number three.
Guy number three realises that attractive women get asked for their number or a date a lot. He needs to stand out. How to get the positive response he is looking for? He doesn’t want to waste his time. He wants to meet his special woman sooner.
There are many ways to stand out from the crowd (of men) and impress when asking for a contact number or date.
When you meet a woman you are attracted to…listen and observe! First, listen for her name. If you missed it, there is nothing wrong with asking her again. Call her by her name when you are speaking. It will help you remember it, and she will like it too.
Listen to the things she is interested in. There are a myriad of clues in there to help you in the future.
We have a standard “contact request” message we send. But, what if you asked us to send something special like this?
“Cassandra, I know you love Italian food. “I know this place..it’s not far from your area… they make the absolute best beef ragu with the most delicious tomato and red wine sauce. The beef is so tender it melts in your mouth. And they have the coldest beer anywhere on earth. Would you like to go there with me sometime soon?”
“Felicity, you mentioned you love jazz music! My favourite jazz band play a fantastic night of soul soothing and booty-shaking tunes. Would you like to join me for an evening of toe-tapping and great music and atmosphere?”
There is no guarantee this will have the desired response, but maybe she will be very impressed that you took interest in her and what she had to say. It could be a refreshing change.
Why not try this next time you meet a single woman at dinner that you find attractive? We will be delighted to send your personalised contact request.
Our goal is that you have the best possible experience at our dinners and events and especially that you have the best possible chance of getting a contact number of that special woman you met.
Once you have met a special woman at dinner and it’s time for a first date, here’s the top 5 first date ideas to take a special woman to help you stand out from the crowd (according to askmen.com)
5. A trip to the local art gallery (for the artsy girl) 4. Local music show – Conversation is important on a first date, but a combo of conversation and pleasant distraction and setting a fun relaxed mood is golden.
Top 5 First Date Ideas To Take A Special Woman
3. Play tourist – Take your date on a touristy excursion around your hometown and see the city from a different perspective. 2. Ice skating – A great date for women who love to be active. No matter if she doesn’t know how to skate, a great opportunity for holding hands. 1. Try new cuisine – Sharing new experiences together is a great way to build a connection. Try something a little adventurous, a new ethnic cuisine, something neither of you have tried before.
Don’t settle for the standard dinner and a movie date. If you don’t want to be like most men, try some of these. Taking into consideration both of your interests of course. Get my weekly blog here
My husband decided it was time for a different motorbike. To make space in the garage, that meant selling the one he had owned for some time.
He was happy that it didn’t take very long before he had someone interested in buying the outgoing bike. His excitement about buying the new one was pretty evident. He couldn’t talk about anything else.
The prospective buyer came around, inspected and approved the bike my husband was selling. The buyer put down a substantial deposit and said he would be back in a few days with the balance of the amount owing and to collect his purchase.
As you can imagine, my husband was visualising his new bike in the garage, planning trips he would take on his new set of wheels. He could hardly sleep because of his excitement.
Are you a repairable writeoff?
The morning came of the day when the sale was to be finalised. A phone call from the purchaser came in, to confirm his arrival later that day we presumed. Wrong! The purchaser had conducted an online search that uncovered that the bike was “a repairable write-off”. The sale was off. This was a complete surprise to my husband. It wasn’t disclosed when he had purchased this bike. It didn’t show any visible signs of any repair and it performed well every time he rode it.
However, it had been labelled… “A repairable write-off” “Mild structural damage to the front.”
This made me think about humans and the collisions/disasters that we go through. Particularly in regard to relationships. The devastating breakups, the long drawn out divorces, the betrayals and the sad losses of dear loved ones.
When we meet someone new, we usually can’t see any visible signs of any disasters of their past. However, their performance or behaviour is where we can see glimpses into their past, or see the results of a lot of repairs.
As humans, we are all completely repairable. In fact, in our case, we can be a much improved version of ourselves after going through disappointment, sorrow, loss, grief and despair.
After losing a precious loving partner, we can learn to value and appreciate every moment with a loved one. We can learn from our mistakes we made in previous relationships. With enough honest self reflection, we can clearly see why an unhappy relationship ended. We can be more aware of our own behaviour and also notice the bad choices we have previously repeated in choosing a partner.
I’m sure you have all met people who are still in need of more repairs. There are even some people who don’t believe they had any part in their disasters. It was completely the fault of the other party.
The most amazing people are the ones who have been through some tough times and have come out the other side much wiser and smarter. If we are involved in a number of accidents, then we are the common denominator. Its time to take a different approach to gain a different outcome.
Of course, repairs are always ongoing…small cracks appear and need to be attended to. Fill them with love and compassion for yourself and also for all the other “repairable write-offs”.
P.S. My husband rode the bike he wanted to sell to the buyer’s home to return his deposit. The buyer had second thoughts and decided he wanted to buy it anyway… AND the shiny new one is in our garage. I have a happy man.
There are plenty of things that men find confusing about women. There are the mood swings, mixed messages and nightmare shopping trips.
Do you find these things confusing about women?
Here are some things that men told me they find mysterious and totally confusing about women. Have you experienced any of these?
1. They can go to the shops all day and look at things they have no intention of buying. Why do they do this? Men go directly to the shop to buy what they need and then go home.
2. When a woman holds up two dresses, maybe a black dress and a red dress and asks: “Which dress should I wear this evening?” You reply the red one and then she says she thinks she would prefer the black one, so you say: “Ok, wear the black one,” and then she says obviously you don’t like it. It’s like banging your head up against a brick wall! I think she looks great in either and don’t really care which dress she wears. And, why did she ask me when she made up her own mind anyway?
3. When they go to the toilet together as a group. Why do they do that? What are they talking about?
4. They want you to be around then all the time and they don’t like it if you go out with your mates or spend too much tine at the gym. but it’s OK for them to go out or on holidays with their girlfriends.
5. The amount of makeup they put on their faces, when they look naturally gorgeous without any. And why does it take so long for women to get ready?
6. Why is she upset when I say she “looks nice”? Why are they attracted to bad guys? And why are my shoes so important? Why can’t a guy go out in his comfortable footwear?
7. I don’t understand it when she says “I’m fine” while she is crying. Either tell me what’s wrong or get on with it.
8. Why do women say one thing and mean the complete opposite? Why do they talk so much? How can they have so much to say – and it’s always about the same stuff?
9. Why do they need to decode and analyse everything you say and every text message? Such as how long it is and how many kisses there are. It doesn’t mean anything!
10. Their whole thought processes. How do women get to their decisions? The way they deal with their emotions is confusing to me. As a man, if I’m angry, I’m angry, and I know I’m angry and what I’m angry at. Women can be angry and have no reason why. They don’t even know what they are angry or emotional at. They can start out at the beginning of the day angry because they are running late and at the end of the day it is because you left the toilet seat up. Not the best analogy, but I think it makes the point. Men think in mostly black and white. Women have a thousand shades of grey. I love women…Mothers, sisters, friends…but a lot of the time, I have absolutely no idea what is going on in their heads.
The last point perfectly sums up what many men are confused about. They find it very difficult to work out what and how women are thinking.
Interestingly, men seem to think that women are playing games. Women often think that men are the ones playing games.
I have to admit as a woman myself, I do sympathise after hearing the answers and can understand how the female of the species can seem confusing to men. We often say one thing and mean another. Hopefully, it is worth the confusion.
Men and women communicate in different ways. We will always find each other frustrating and fascinating. But, that is what makes life exciting.
Would you like to know what women are really checking out about the men at our A Table for Six singles dinners?
Some of the things that the women are taking note of when they meet you at dinner may surprise you. Or maybe you already know.
How you interact with everyone at the table including the other men.
It is an opportunity for them to gauge how you act in social situations. Are you considerate and inclusive in your conversations with everyone at the table?
How you interact with the restaurant staff.
Do you joke around in a “brighten their day and make their job easier way”? Do you treat them with respect and courtesy?
How you deal with settling the bill at the end of the evening.
Are you generous by including a small tip? Are you organised by bringing along cash to put in your share?
Your general attitude to life in your conversations.
Are you upbeat and mostly positive in your conversations? Do you speak negatively about ex-partners or women in general?
Are your fingernails clean? Are your clothes clean, appropriate and fairly up to date in fashion. Do you put in some effort to keep some sense of fitness and health?
I’m sure these are the things that you are taking note of when you meet women at dinner as well. It works both ways. Either way, we appreciate that you have dressed up nicely and come to dinner to meet our lovely female members.
The basic fundamentals of dating and courting a woman have not really changed over time. Your goal should be to set yourself apart from other men she has met and dated by showing a woman that you are genuinely interested in her, and that you will continue to put in an effort to do so – not only on the first few weeks of dating, but for the long term (potentially forever).
Set yourself apart as a gentleman
Does this sound like too much work and effort to you? Think about this: The right woman will love and care for you and will always exceed or match your efforts. Both of you making an effort together makes the dream work. It is far more rewarding and you will have much more fulfillment by putting an effort into one relationship with a special woman you truly love, than it is to put short term effort into always meeting a new woman a few months later because you didn’t put in the effort and attention your special woman deserved.
As a gentleman dating in the modern era, you can easily set yourself apart by how you carry yourself, your presentation, and very importantly, how you treat others. To make a good impression, hold higher standards for yourself than most of the male population. Being a male is a matter of birth, being a man is a matter of age, but being a gentleman is a matter of choice.
But let’s cut to the chase, what can you do, realistically, in today’s dating world to attract a mature woman who is tired of playing games?
If you want people to have a high opinion of you the key is not to tell them how brilliant you are.
Bragging to a woman on a first date about a recent promotion, or your brand new car, and how many properties you own, may seem like harmless ways to share good news.
However, self-promotion often backfires. Men often get the trade-off between self-promotion and modesty wrong. A man will mention his money as a means of winning a woman over. Unfortunately, sometimes this works. But most of the time, a woman requires so much more from a man than an impressive bank statement, and the kind of man who talks about his money at length, probably doesn’t have much else.
In modern times, women make their own money and have their own possessions. They are not always impressed by yours. Sure, she will want to know you have some ambitions and want to match her efforts in life, but bragging about who you’ve met or what you drive or where you live, will send her running in the opposite direction.
One of my male members told me about this experience. He had only been talking to this woman for part of the time at dinner. She said “You are the most interesting man I’ve met lately.” He was confused, he hadn’t told her very much about himself.
He said “How is that possible?” It made her laugh and she realised he was right.
The most interesting guy she had met! Why?
He wanted to know why she felt that way, so he prodded. Eventually she said “Because you ask really unique questions”.
The way you listen and get to know someone is one thing that can make a person interesting. If you know how to ask powerful questions that challenge a girl or make her think in a new way, she will think the conversation is interesting and project that on to you!
Next time you’re getting to know a girl at dinner (or anywhere else), don’t waste your time asking the same old questions that every other guy asks her like “What do you do for a living?Where are you from?” etc. You’ll get to those eventually.
Next time, ask interesting questions like “If you could be anywhere right now where would it be?” or “When was the last time you laughed so hard you almost peed?”They love answering those types of questions.
When she is enjoying telling you about something she loves to do, ask her “What’s that like?”
Try to engage her passionate and emotional side rather than her rehearsed answers she has given many times before. When you can get a girl to express her feelings about a certain subject, she will feel a connection with you on an emotional level.
That’s a powerful start and she will remember how you made her feel.
Relationship breakups are never easy. The end of a relationship with someone you really care about can cause more pain than most events in your life.
Even if you were the one to instigate the breakup, you will most likely feel a whole range of emotions during the coming weeks and months.
Maybe you can look back now and clearly see the signs that trouble was coming. Or maybe, you still can’t work out how this happened.
Men don’t tend to acknowledge their emotions and feelings and are even less likely to discuss them. So there’s a lot less written about about their side of the situation.
But they certainly feel the range of emotions from disbelief, anger, sadness, loss, depression but sometimes relief.
Studies show that men might even be affected more by breakups than women.
There are a lot of different variations of breakups. And every relationship is unique. Here are some coping strategies to help single men through those bleak, dark days after a breakup.
Relationship break-up? Best way to move forward
Feel the emotions and move through the pain
From childhood, men are discouraged from showing their emotions. “Be a man” and “big boys don’t cry” are phrases meant to hold those feelings in and don’t dare show them. During a relationship breakup, a man may have such strong emotions it overwhelms the instinct to suppress them. Instead of trying to hold them in, just allow them to wash over you. Feel them and know that you are going to feel bad for some time. It is better to really feel those emotions and work through them. To push them down will mean that they will manifest in a different (worse) way.
It may be tempting to cover up your feelings in temporary distractions such as drinking, drugs or working too much. This may help to distract you from the pain temporarily, but it may prolong the healing process that is necessary to move forward.
Don’t go all out to try to get her back
If your partner did the breaking up, you may feel tempted to go all out to win her back with flowers, poems and gifts. Unfortunately this may just come across as desperate. They could just need some space and showering them with over the top gestures will just make them feel pressured. If they are truly the one for you, no such huge gestures will be needed. You can’t force someone to want to spend their life with you or love you.
Quality sleep helps in moving forward
Sleep can be affected. Your mind is going crazy and can be out of control going over what went wrong. Those conversation you had or wished you had. And what you wish you had done differently. iTunes have a lot of recordings that are effective in helping to replace that mind chatter with peaceful sounds to help you drift off and to get some quality sleep.
Do something for yourself
The temptation to wallow in self pity or sadness can be strong. You are going to have to really take strong positive steps to use this time to your own long term advantage. It’s a good time to take up a new interest. Perhaps something you always wanted to do but couldn’t while you were in the relationship. Doing something creative, like playing a musical Instrument can be therapeutic. Even if you are not normally the creative type. If you would prefer to be more active, it is a good time to be more focussed on fitness. Being active has proven positive effects on mental and emotional well being.
Enjoy being single
There is a positive side to being single. There will come a time when you move from being miserable to realising some of the sacrifices you made in the relationship to keep the harmony. Make the decision to do something you wouldn’t have done when you were in the relationship. Go out with your mates to an all you can eat bar b que meat meal, go and watch some of the fight championships or stay in and watch Batman films. It’s about enjoying your new single status. It’s making the most of an otherwise painful situation.You may even feel empowered when you realise that you now have the freedom to do the things that make you happy.
Buy a gift for yourself
Spoil yourself by purchasing something that makes you happy. No need to empty your savings account, but sometimes when you are feeling low a hit of retail therapy can give you a boost. Maybe you have put off upgrading your golf clubs, or buying that motorbike you’ve dreamed of owning. Recognise and acknowledge that you can make you own choices to do what makes you happy.
Taking a holiday away after a relationship breakup is truly expressing your new freedom. It will be different for each man, but the beauty is that you alone can choose. You don’t need to take anyone else’s wishes into consideration. Take a road trip with no bookings or definite plans. Take a hiking holiday in the wilderness to reconnect with nature. Take some time to find the real you who could be a little wiser now.
Take a step back to look at the failed relationship objectively. Try not to blame anyone. I’m sure you can recognise there were things you could have done differently too. We are all just doing the best we can with what we know at the time. One day you may look back and recognise that the things you have learned from this failed relationship have enabled you to learn and grow and to enjoy a new amazing relationship. When you know more, you can do better.
The secret is to ask the right questions. They will feel special and know you are interested.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re meeting people to make new friends, or date an amazing woman…
They can tell if you are genuinely interested in them.
Humans are reciprocal beings. When you give interest, you get interest.
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” – Dale Carnegie
Women want to know that you find them (specifically) interesting. They want to know that there’s SOMETHING other than just being an attractive woman that attracted you.
Why isn’t she interested?
Because everyone wants to feel special. When you make them feel that way, they’ll want to do the same for you.
Your mindset – Reset your measure of success from obtaining an outcome to simply being curious about people.
Have a curiosity date (or two).
When you are meeting new people, your only goal is to answer this question about them:
“Who are they?”
Stay mindful of your goal. Plan ahead what you would like to know about people you meet. Make sure they are things you actually care about. If it doesn’t really interest you, you won’t be engaged and they will be able to tell you are not being genuinely interested.
You’re trying to get a better understanding of their personality, interests, and overall character. Have a few questions brainstormed in advance that you could ask.
What are their favorite books, movies, TV shows, comedians, or musicians?
What’s the best place they’ve traveled to? Or, where are they most excited to visit?
Would they rather live in the country or the city?
What do they love or hate about their current job? What’s their dream job instead?
What’s their favorite way to exercise?
What did they want to be when they were a kid?
What scares them?
What’s the biggest change they made in the last year?
Are they close with their family?
What’s something most people don’t know about them?
If they were to die tomorrow, how would they spend their last day?
Some additional tips to help with your curiosity night:
If you can’t remember what to ask, remember the four topics that are always guaranteed to get people to open up.
Ask them about their DREAMS, RECREATION, OCCUPATION and FAMILY.
It’s best to start out with lighter questions and progress to more personal questions as time progresses. They will feel uneasy if the first question you ask is too personal.
Instead of asking “Do you like to read?” Ask an open ended question that will require them to open up about themselves. “What is your favourite type of book?”
You want to learn about their emotions and motivations. So, don’t just ask cold, bare facts. Another example, don’t just ask do they have a family. Ask what is the best thing about their family.
Don’t just ask what they do for a living, ask what drives them to go every morning, what is their biggest challenge, and where they would like to go from there.
When they say something that impresses you, give them a real compliment.
Remember their name. People love to hear their own name and feel special when you remember it.
Your old mindset of “How can I be good enough for this person? has now changed to “Is this someone I want in my life based on what I’m learning about them?” and this cultivates a mindset of abundance.
It forces you to make an honest evaluation of people and takes them off that pedestal. You will no longer feel desperate to fit their mold and you will have the courage to walk away from those who aren’t a good fit for you.
You will grow in confidence. In turn, that confidence attracts not only more people, but the right people.
Now that you have people interested in you. Don’t forget to treat them the same way you treat those closest to you.