Tag Archives: what is attractive to a man

What are singles looking for in a partner?

Would you like to know what is the thing we hear time and time again that singles are really looking for in a partner?

The people I talk to aren’t looking for someone who is gorgeous or rich. However, a great personality and a sense of humour can more than compensate for what is lacking in other areas. I frequently tell our members, forget the flirting secrets and be yourself. There is no point pretending to be someone you’re not, and trying too hard to impress can be a real turn-off.

It seems people are getting fed up with internet dating sites where the photo’s are out of date, the descriptions are exaggerated and even the ages people say they are don’t match up. With A Table for Six, you get to meet real people in a relaxed setting….more realistic and much less stressful!

One last point on the topic….it’s not always how others see you, but how you see yourself. People who are happy within themselves radiate confidence, respect and self worth. People who don’t like themselves much tend to be negative and critical….not what people are looking for in a potential partner! Blessings

Margaret Newitt

www.atableforsix.com.au

What the fall-in-love chemicals do to our brains

This week we are continuing  on with examining how men and women have different ways of relating to their partner. The  book “Why women walk and men talk” has some fascinating insights into male and female behaviour in relationships.

In a couple who disconnected, she may not know that he, like most men, has a heightened sensitivity to feeling shame and inadequacy. (How could she?) His impulse when he feels shame is to hide, so he can’t tell her about it. Instead, he disguises it with annoyance, impatience and anger.

She does not understand that each time she tries to make improvements in their relationship, the overriding message he hears is that he is not meeting her expectations – he’s failing her – which sends him into the pain of his own inadequacy.

While trying to ward off feeling like a failure, he is no longer sensitive to her fear of being isolated and shut out. In the beginning of their relationship, he sensed her need for connection and wouldn’t have dreamed of shutting her out. But now he has no idea that each time he rejects her concerns or raises his voice in anger – purely to protect himself – he’s pushing her further away and deeper ino the pain of isolation.

It’s so easy for couples to slip into this pattern, because the different vulnerabilities that so greatly influence men and women interact with each other are virtually invisible. In the beginning of the relationship, the fall – in – love chemicals our brains secrete make it easy to focus on each other’s more subtle emotions. But once the effects of those chemicals wear off – within 3 to 9 months – we need to make a more conscious effort to protect each other’s vulnerabilities. To do this, we need to understand the different vulnerabilities of men and women and how we manage them in relationships.

We’ll talk more about that next week.

 

 

Men and women want the same closeness in a relationship-so why is it often lost?

Last week I wrote about how men and women are wired differently and how fear and shame can cause a loving close relationship to become disconnected. This interesting information is from a book called “Why women talk and men walk” by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny.

Research and clinical experiences show that men and women clearly want the same closeness and connection from a relationship. So why do many couples end up feeling like they have lost that closeness they felt early in their relationship?

The male – female disconnection is the biggest factor in the soaring divorce rate. Some 80% of divorcees say they “grew apart” – tragic and unnecessary.

Female orientated attempts are often aimed at “talking” to her man. But this is often a huge failure. Because their problem is not about “communication.” It’s about disconnection. They are disconnected because they have poor communication; they have poor communication because they are disconnected. In a new relationship, when they felt connected, they talked for hours on end. She exposed vulnerable feelings to him, he responded with protectiveness and support. She fell in love because she felt emotionally connected to him, and her belief that he would be there for her quelled all her fears.

He fell in love because he felt emotionally connected to her. She made him feel important and successful as a lover, protector and provider, which reduced any threat of feeling inadequate.

The best chance of saving a disconnected relationship is to return to this state of mutually soothing and empowering connection.

My next newsletter will talk about how to regain a deep connection and perhaps even at a deeper level.

Avoid disappointment and heartache in your next relationship

Quite a few people have commented to me that they found my article late last year “How important to a man is a woman? very interesting. So here is some more of the relevant information I found so interesting myself in the book. This book sheds some light on how we break the connection we have with our loving partner. “Why women talk and men Walk” by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny explains that our ancient wiring is still driving us beneath the surface. It relates to the difference in the way the genders experience “fear and shame.”

The reason females want to talk about issues, is that disconnection makes her feel anxious and , on a deeper level isolated and afraid. The real reason the man doesn’t want to talk about the relationship is that her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure.

On a deeper level he feels ashamed. His shame is too deep to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear keeps her from seeing his shame. When they try to aleviate their feelings of vulnerabiity in opposite ways – by talking and not talking – all they end up sharing are disappointment and heartache.

A relationship between a man and a woman can fail with neither of them doing anything wrong if they do not understand the extent to which fear and shame drive their disconnection from each other. That disconnection is the biggest factor in the soaring divorce rate.

My next newsletter will shed some light on how fear and shame can keep both a woman and a man from getting what they want most out of their lives together.

Opposites attract or similar perspective successful long term relationship?

We’ve all heard the saying “opposites attract”. It has always been an interesting one because we all know long term happy couples who seem to be opposites and others who seem to be very much alike.

Well a report I have read in a phychology magazine does throw some light on the subject. According to the report, the key to a happy, healthy relationship is choosing someone who is, quite frankly, a lot like you – a person who validates your existing views and habits rather than trying to change them.

Reports have repeatedly underscored the role of homogany – shared values, personality traits, economic background, and religion, as well as closeness in age – in romantic success. The more a couple shares a similar perspective, says Glenn Wilson, a psychologist at Gresham College in London, the less conflict there’s likely to be in their relationship.

Wilson  developed a compatibility questionaire that reveals a wide range of preferences regarding lifestyle, politics, child-rearing, morality and finances. He found that partners whose answers are comparable are more likely to report satisfaction with their love lives.

But, regardless of how well the two score on compatibility tests, you need to feel a spark of attraction – something that can come from the differences between your partner’s interests and passions and your own. (Such as you like photography and cooking, she likes hiking) “Homogany” is important for long-term satisfaction, but differences in interests really makes a difference in terms of chemistry,” says Givertz. “When couples are overly similar it can be a little bit of a brother-sister relationship- really predictable, without a lot of novelty.”

So what is the happy medium? Seek out a partner whose passions differ enough to expand your experience, but with whom you are aligned on important big-picture issues like how to show affection, what constitutes a moral life, and how to raise children.

Do we still enjoy courting?

Do we still enjoy courting?

We have enjoyed courting from the beginning of time. But today there can be a general lack of trust and appreciation. Maybe this is caused by being hurt too many times.

The courtship guidelines have become blurred. Men love to court ladies by calling for the date and holding the door open. But when ladies are aggressive, men can feel confused about their role. Ladies have become self sufficient and know how to take care of themselves. But in the dating world, they may not even realise they are not letting the man court them. So ladies put on your prettiest dress and leave the corporate look and persona for your work life.

I believe that men still instinctively try to court. If the appreciation is there it will flourish. But he will lose his desire to court if he doesn’t feel like he can do special things for his lady or they aren’t appreciated.

Why can’t we court each other? It’s the little things that count like opening a door or helping with a jacket.

Our small group dinners allow singles to meet face to face and notice important things like body language. Conversation can be free flowing and natural. How can you build a relationship on a phone or computer? We need to remember how to interact face to face.

Let’s hope courting never dies. It is exciting and that feeling of wondering if he/she is the one.

Margaret Newitt

Franchisor

www.atableforsix.com.au

What is appealing in a woman to a man?

Obviously I’m not a man! But I do speak with a lot of men who contact us because they are single and would like to meet a suitable lady for a genuine relationship. Some of them decide to become a Platinum Member because they want to meet one on one with ladies we have selected for them to meet. Some of them like to meet in a small group at our Tables for Six (sometimes 8 or 4).

Each of them has their own unique story of the journey they are on. But there is a common thread of the things they value in a partner.

Sense of humour– the ability to be able to laugh at yourself or at an awkward situation can mean the difference between a situation going very badly, or tuning it into a positive for a relationship. People who take everything very seriously and can’t lighten up are rarely found to be attractive. Laughing at ourselves lets people see that we are human and have our own special weaknesses. That’s much more attractive than someone who has the persona of being perfect.

Trust– Men and women both need to feel they can trust their partner to have a deep connection with them. Sometimes we women have a tendency to share far too much with our girlfriends about our most intimate relationship. Men don’t understand this need to share and feel they have been betrayed. If they find you have been disclosing details of your relationship with others, they may not feel they can confide in you next time they have an issue to deal with. Of course, they also need to know that you won’t cheat on them. This can be especially sensitive if this has happened to them in the past.

Health and Hygiene– This may sound basic, but men are attracted to women who appear that they look after themselves physically. Women who keep themselves with in a healthy weight range are appealing. They don’t need to be any particular shape, but practically every man mentions he would like a lady who is slim. Fortunately, it isn’t all about being supermodel size. An attractive smile or beautiful friendly eyes are a huge asset in making a man feel attracted to a lady. Paying attention to personal hygiene is also a basic habit to ensure you are attractive to a man.

Good physical relationship– Must love cuddles! Men need to feel appreciated and that they are pleasing their partner. They have a basic need to demonstrate to their partner their love and affection physically. It’s a very important part of a healthy relationship and is often a reflection of how healthy the other parts of the relationship are. Men want a partner who is capable and attentive in this area of their relationship.

A highly recommended book is “The 5 love languages” by Gary Chapman. Gary sets out the 5 different areas that men (and women) need to be satisfied.

Men and women alike value these qualities in a partner. So, in many ways men and women are not so different.

Blessings

Margaret

www.atableforsix.com.au