Last week I wrote about how men and women are wired differently and how fear and shame can cause a loving close relationship to become disconnected. This interesting information is from a book called “Why women talk and men walk” by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny.
Research and clinical experiences show that men and women clearly want the same closeness and connection from a relationship. So why do many couples end up feeling like they have lost that closeness they felt early in their relationship?
The male – female disconnection is the biggest factor in the soaring divorce rate. Some 80% of divorcees say they “grew apart” – tragic and unnecessary.
Female orientated attempts are often aimed at “talking” to her man. But this is often a huge failure. Because their problem is not about “communication.” It’s about disconnection. They are disconnected because they have poor communication; they have poor communication because they are disconnected. In a new relationship, when they felt connected, they talked for hours on end. She exposed vulnerable feelings to him, he responded with protectiveness and support. She fell in love because she felt emotionally connected to him, and her belief that he would be there for her quelled all her fears.
He fell in love because he felt emotionally connected to her. She made him feel important and successful as a lover, protector and provider, which reduced any threat of feeling inadequate.
The best chance of saving a disconnected relationship is to return to this state of mutually soothing and empowering connection.
My next newsletter will talk about how to regain a deep connection and perhaps even at a deeper level.
Quite a few people have commented to me that they found my article late last year “How important to a man is a woman? very interesting. So here is some more of the relevant information I found so interesting myself in the book. This book sheds some light on how we break the connection we have with our loving partner. “Why women talk and men Walk” by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny explains that our ancient wiring is still driving us beneath the surface. It relates to the difference in the way the genders experience “fear and shame.”
The reason females want to talk about issues, is that disconnection makes her feel anxious and , on a deeper level isolated and afraid. The real reason the man doesn’t want to talk about the relationship is that her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure.
On a deeper level he feels ashamed. His shame is too deep to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear keeps her from seeing his shame. When they try to aleviate their feelings of vulnerabiity in opposite ways – by talking and not talking – all they end up sharing are disappointment and heartache.
A relationship between a man and a woman can fail with neither of them doing anything wrong if they do not understand the extent to which fear and shame drive their disconnection from each other. That disconnection is the biggest factor in the soaring divorce rate.
My next newsletter will shed some light on how fear and shame can keep both a woman and a man from getting what they want most out of their lives together.
Obviously I’m not a man! But I do speak with a lot of men who contact us because they are single and would like to meet a suitable lady for a genuine relationship. Some of them decide to become a Platinum Member because they want to meet one on one with ladies we have selected for them to meet. Some of them like to meet in a small group at our Tables for Six (sometimes 8 or 4).
Each of them has their own unique story of the journey they are on. But there is a common thread of the things they value in a partner.
Sense of humour– the ability to be able to laugh at yourself or at an awkward situation can mean the difference between a situation going very badly, or tuning it into a positive for a relationship. People who take everything very seriously and can’t lighten up are rarely found to be attractive. Laughing at ourselves lets people see that we are human and have our own special weaknesses. That’s much more attractive than someone who has the persona of being perfect.
Trust– Men and women both need to feel they can trust their partner to have a deep connection with them. Sometimes we women have a tendency to share far too much with our girlfriends about our most intimate relationship. Men don’t understand this need to share and feel they have been betrayed. If they find you have been disclosing details of your relationship with others, they may not feel they can confide in you next time they have an issue to deal with. Of course, they also need to know that you won’t cheat on them. This can be especially sensitive if this has happened to them in the past.
Health and Hygiene– This may sound basic, but men are attracted to women who appear that they look after themselves physically. Women who keep themselves with in a healthy weight range are appealing. They don’t need to be any particular shape, but practically every man mentions he would like a lady who is slim. Fortunately, it isn’t all about being supermodel size. An attractive smile or beautiful friendly eyes are a huge asset in making a man feel attracted to a lady. Paying attention to personal hygiene is also a basic habit to ensure you are attractive to a man.
Good physical relationship– Must love cuddles! Men need to feel appreciated and that they are pleasing their partner. They have a basic need to demonstrate to their partner their love and affection physically. It’s a very important part of a healthy relationship and is often a reflection of how healthy the other parts of the relationship are. Men want a partner who is capable and attentive in this area of their relationship.
A highly recommended book is “The 5 love languages” by Gary Chapman. Gary sets out the 5 different areas that men (and women) need to be satisfied.
Men and women alike value these qualities in a partner. So, in many ways men and women are not so different.