How do you react to “kind”?

A lot of the focus on dating is steering us away from true intimacy. There is a lot of importance placed on superficial things like looks, playing games and gimmicks to attract the best looking people.

This advice leads us to feeling insecure ourselves and encourages us to be unkind towards others and also ourselves.

But there has always been a wiser and more effective path to finding love. And it doesn’t involve supermodel looks or playing games.

There is a lot of focus put on the belief that immediate physical attraction is the be all and end all of finding enduring love. An extensive study conducted in 1985 by evolutionary psychologist David Buss explored the most important traits people rate in finding a mate.  His finding was clear.The quality people valued most in a potential mate was not physical attractiveness. Neither was it their wealth, youthful appearance, strength or self-confidence. People valued kindness and understanding the most.

Everywhere we are bombarded by advertisements and articles on building a better body, dressing better, or a new secret way to attract a mate. I’m guessing that you haven’t read any articles lately that give importance to kindness in dating?

There is no denying that physical attraction is tremendously important in our choice of a mate. Yet, have you ever met a man or woman who looks great, and when they open their mouth to criticise their friends, your opinion of them changes dramatically?

Someone who is physically attractive, well dressed and well groomed becomes very unattractive when they treat a waiter poorly or speak badly about someone when they leave the table.

Physical attraction has been proven to be much more complex and open to interpretation than we’ve been led to believe. Instant attraction is overemphasised in finding healthy, long lasting love. And, very attractive people struggle just as much to find true happiness in their relationships.

How can we use this information to have a better outcome in dating ourselves? There are two skills that are essential that we can use to form our guidelines for wiser dating. Firstly, we need to ensure we are operating from a foundation of kindness and understanding ourselves. The second is to be discriminating and only choose people who live by these same values. This will change your experience of dating and finding long lasting love.

Next time you are dating, try practising a little more kindness and understanding. I’m sure you will change the quality of your dates.

Require the same treatment from the people you date. Be discriminating about who you date. Choose those who have a kind and understanding nature. It will make your life happier.

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Margaret Newitt
www.atableforsix.com.au